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As children grow up, their relationships with their parents evolve. For many, aging parents can become a source of concern, with physical limitations and health issues adding to the emotional complexity of the relationship. However, for some, the aging process may bring feelings of frustration, resentment, or even the perception that their parents are a burden.
Understanding why someone may feel this way is important for both healing personal relationships and offering support. Often, these feelings stem from childhood experiences that shaped the individual’s view of responsibility, caregiving, and what it means to care for others. In some cases, early experiences can lead to a deep sense of resentment when it comes time to care for aging parents.
In this article, we’ll explore seven childhood experiences that can influence how people view their aging parents and, at times, cause them to feel as though they are a burden rather than someone who needs care and support. By recognizing these underlying dynamics, both children and aging parents can begin to work towards healing and creating a more understanding relationship.
1) Parental Neglect or Emotional Abandonment
If a child grows up feeling emotionally neglected or abandoned by their parents, it can significantly impact how they view their parents as adults. This experience can create feelings of resentment that carry into adulthood, where the individual feels that their parents were not there for them when they needed love, affection, or emotional support.
As these children grow older and their parents age, the same resentment can resurface. Instead of feeling compassion for their aging parents, they may view them as emotionally distant, difficult to care for, or even “needy” in ways that mirror their own childhood experiences of neglect.
Personal Story: I have a close friend whose father was emotionally absent for most of their childhood. As an adult, my friend felt an overwhelming sense of anger when he was asked to care for his father in his elderly years. The emotional abandonment he experienced as a child made it challenging for him to see his father’s vulnerability as something deserving of care. It took time for him to work through these emotions and understand that his father’s old age wasn’t the same as his early neglect.
2) Overburdened by Parental Expectations
Many people grow up with parents who have high expectations, whether they’re academic, social, or career-oriented. While these expectations may be well-intentioned, they can put a heavy emotional burden on the child, especially if the expectations feel unrealistic or unattainable.
When these children become adults and their parents grow older, they may feel resentment if they believe their parents’ expectations were excessive. The idea of now taking on the responsibility of caring for them—when they feel they were never able to live up to the “ideal child” standard—can feel overwhelming and unfair. The thought of “giving back” may seem less like a loving gesture and more like a continuation of being held to an unattainable standard.
Personal Story: A colleague of mine had parents who constantly pushed her to excel in school and in her career. As she got older and became successful, the pressure only increased, making her feel like she could never meet their expectations. Now that they’re aging, she feels conflicted, seeing their dependence on her as a continuation of the pressure she’s been under her whole life.
3) Lack of Role Models for Healthy Caregiving
Some people grow up in households where caregiving and emotional support were not modeled well. If parents themselves lacked emotional maturity or struggled with relationships, children may not have witnessed how to care for others in healthy, loving ways.
As adults, these children may feel ill-equipped to care for aging parents, especially if they’ve never seen such caregiving modeled in their childhood. This lack of role models can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration when it comes time to provide care, making aging parents seem like an overwhelming burden rather than someone who needs help.
Personal Story: One of my friends grew up in a home where her parents didn’t express love or care openly, and caregiving was seen as a responsibility rather than an act of kindness. When her mother became ill and needed support, my friend found it hard to engage emotionally and struggled with the idea of caring for her, simply because it had never been modeled in her childhood.
4) Trauma from Parental Over-Control or Helicopter Parenting
Helicopter parenting, or over-control, can stifle a child’s sense of autonomy and independence. Children raised in environments where their every move was scrutinized or dictated may carry the emotional weight of that control well into adulthood. When their parents become elderly, the dynamic can shift in an unhealthy way, with the adult child feeling like they are still trapped in the role of being “managed” or manipulated.
The transition from being controlled to becoming a caregiver can trigger feelings of anger, resentment, or frustration. The child may have a hard time seeing their aging parents as needing care, viewing them instead as “inconveniences” or obstacles to their own independence.
Personal Story: I know a woman whose mother was extremely controlling throughout her childhood, always dictating her decisions and choices. Now that her mother is elderly, she feels a strong resistance to providing care, as it feels like a continuation of her mother’s overbearing control. She struggles to shift her perspective from anger and resentment to compassion for her mother’s dependency.
5) Experiencing a Parent’s Addiction or Mental Health Issues
Growing up in a home with a parent who struggled with addiction or mental health issues can leave deep emotional scars. Children in these environments often feel ignored, unsafe, or emotionally neglected. As these children grow into adults, they may find it difficult to see their parents as anything other than the source of their childhood pain and instability.
When these parents age and require care, it may feel like a continuation of the childhood struggle. The adult child may feel that the parent, who was emotionally unavailable or unreliable in their youth, now expects them to step in as a caretaker, creating feelings of frustration or bitterness.
Personal Story: One of my relatives grew up with an alcoholic father who was often absent or emotionally unavailable. As he aged and required care, my relative found it incredibly difficult to shift from viewing him as the source of childhood pain to seeing him as a vulnerable, aging person who needed help. It wasn’t until he acknowledged the deep emotional scars from his childhood that he was able to begin healing and start offering care with compassion.
6) Feeling Financially or Emotionally Burdened as a Child
Sometimes, children feel as though they have to grow up too quickly, often taking on the emotional or financial burdens of their parents. If a child is forced to act as the “adult” in the household—whether by managing finances, caring for younger siblings, or dealing with parents’ personal issues—they may develop a sense of resentment or exhaustion.
As adults, these individuals may view the care of their aging parents as another layer of responsibility they’re unwilling to take on, particularly if they’ve already been burdened by their parents in the past. The idea of taking care of them now may feel like an unrelenting continuation of an unhealthy dynamic.
Personal Story: A friend of mine was raised in a home where she had to take on a lot of responsibilities as the oldest child, including managing her parents’ finances due to their financial instability. Now, as her parents are aging, she feels emotionally and financially drained by the idea of taking care of them. She struggles to separate the past from the present and feels burdened by the expectations.
7) Parent-Child Role Reversal
In some households, children are forced to take on adult responsibilities at an early age. This can include being the emotional caretaker of a parent, being overly relied upon for support, or even taking on the role of the primary decision-maker. While this dynamic may feel natural at the time, it can create a deep emotional strain that lingers well into adulthood.
When the parent becomes elderly, the child may struggle with the idea of switching roles back to being the dependent one. This role reversal can trigger feelings of frustration, resentment, and guilt, making the task of caregiving feel like a burden rather than an act of love and support.
Personal Story: A woman I know took on the role of her mother’s emotional support system when she was just a teenager, often consoling her mother through tough times. Now that her mother is elderly and needs care, she feels conflicted and overwhelmed. The shift in roles feels unnatural to her, and she struggles with the guilt of not feeling more compassionate.
Final Thoughts
Feeling like your aging parents are a burden is an incredibly complex emotion, often rooted in childhood experiences and unresolved past trauma. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings without judgment and understand that they are a product of years of emotional conditioning. By recognizing the experiences that have shaped these views, individuals can begin to heal old wounds and find a way to approach the task of caregiving with empathy, understanding, and compassion.
In time, it’s possible to shift the narrative from seeing aging parents as burdens to understanding that they are simply humans who once cared for us, and now it’s our turn to offer care and love. Healing these emotional patterns can not only improve our relationship with our parents but also bring peace and clarity to our own emotional growth.
